What is Consent and Why I Wish I'd Known Before

Last month was Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I was so blessed to listen and participate in a presentation given by two college age young women in our church congregation to a group of high school and middle school girls.

After listening to statistic after statistic and story after story, I felt like I could talk forever about the importance of taking charge of your own life and never letting anyone take your power away from you. A thousand ideas whirred around in my mind in cluttered commotion. I haven't managed to find the time to get them all organized, but you'll probably be seeing a lot more blog posts on the general topic.

This is the first I wanted to address, because it is something I didn't know, and now I want to share it with everyone else.

What is consent?

From Google:

"Consent is an agreement between people BEFORE they engage in any kind of sexual activity. Both people have to say “YES!” clearly and freely. Sexual activity without consent is sexual assault or rape. Consent must be willing."

From ConsentEd:

"A voluntary, enthusiastic “yes-I-really-want-to-and-thank-you-for-asking” type of consent – not a consent that’s implied on the basis of silence, previous sexual history, or what the person is wearing."

"If you are ever unsure if the person you are with is consenting, just stop and ask."

From Break the Cycle and the National Dating Abuse Helpline:

"You may have heard the idea that “no means no,” but this doesn’t really provide a complete picture of what consent is because it puts the responsibility on one person to resist or accept. It also makes consent about what a partner doesn’t want, instead of being able to openly express what they do want."

"Some people are worried that talking about consent will be awkward or that it will ruin the mood, which is far from true. If anything, the mood is much more positive when both partners are happy and can freely communicate what they want. "

Why I Wish I’d Known Before

So now that you have the basic idea, I'd like to explain why I wish I'd known this before.

I want to say that I am not a rape victim. However, without diminishing the seriousness of rape, I would like to suggest that consent doesn't always have to be about sexual intercourse. It can start with something so much simpler, like hand holding.

As a teenager, I can't tell you how many times I went on dates and ended up holding hands with boys I didn't really like. Or maybe I liked them a little, but wasn’t really sure I wanted to hold their hands. I can remember sitting at a play on a date and out of nowhere my hand was suddenly sweating like crazy in the pasty sweaty hand of the boy next to me. Sure, we were on a date. But I really didn't want to be holding his hand. At the time though, I didn't realize that I could say no. I didn't want to "hurt his feelings."

I wish I had known that I could have taken my hand back and said, "Mm...I don't really want to hold hands right now." Or that I could have just taken my hand back with no explanation at all.

Things escalate quickly, and hand holding can get to body fondling faster than some teens may realize. It is so important that in every stage of dating we have a right to give or reserve our consent.

When I first heard about our right to consent at this workshop, it felt so foreign to me. (A sad result of cultural conditioning.) But as I mulled the idea of always being able to say yes or no, it made complete sense. Lack of communication ruins relationships, so why not start off right from the get-go by always communicating consent? It’s not a question of “being mean,” it’s a question of feeling safe and comfortable with those you associate with.

Women (and men!) should never be pressured into doing anything they don’t want to do (be it kissing, hand holding, sexual intercourse) just because they don’t want to offend someone else. Communication is key; so make sure to speak up!

If you want it, GREAT! There are beautiful, wonderful relationships out there, with mutual consent. I’m in one of those, and it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I know how ugly it feels to not want something and to feel like you don’t have an option.

You should always have an option, and that’s consent.

If you aren’t given the option, and are able, get out of the situation as quickly as you can! Don’t wait until it comes down to sex. If you don’t want to hold hands, don’t. If you don’t want to be kissed, say no. Make sure you have the power from the beginning.

A Sappy Anniversary Post

It's been 2 whole years since Diego and I knelt across the altar of the Jordan River temple and covenanted with each other and with the Lord to love and take care of each other for the rest of eternity.

In that time, I have learned and grown so much. Being married is hard work. There are definitely ups and downs. I think being separated from Diego for the last 2 and a half months, though it's been extremely tough, has given me time to really reflect on and evaluate our marriage.

There are 4 really important things that make our marriage wonderful.

1. From the beginning, God has been involved.

I fell in love with Diego for a lot of reasons, but one of the biggest was that God was the most important person in his life. I knew that his love for his Heavenly Father would make him a better husband and a more loving father. And it has. He also says that is the biggest reason he married me. Because I always wanted to do what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. And since we've been married, we make sure to include Him always in the decisions we make as a couple. Our life hasn't gone AT ALL how we thought it would, but we trust that because we've constantly included the Lord in our planning, everything will work out all right.

2. We say sorry a lot (and mean it!)

That's right, the last 2 years haven't been one continuous honeymoon of marital bliss. We've had our fair share of fights and miscommunications. At the end of the day, though, we always say I'm sorry. It's always both of us that have to apologize, because it takes two people to fight, which means two people have to say they are sorry. We recognize that we are two imperfect people, trying to make a perfect marriage. Our marriage is so important to both of us, that we are willing to overlook our pride and egos to make it work. We are both pretty hot-headed at times, but it only takes one of us to cool down so that the other follows suit.

3. Our priorities are each other.

Sometimes I feel like my life is not going anywhere. I'm a college graduate who isn't doing anything with her degree. I'm sure Diego has felt like that a lot during the last 2 years as well. He was studying law in a great university, only to come here and have all those dreams flushed down the toilet. Our lives have changed dramatically since we met. But that's because our priorities are now each other. Diego probably won't end up working as a corporate lawyer and I probably won't end up getting a Master's degree, but we are happy because we have each other, and now Lucia. We make sacrifices to be together. Diego is sacrificing a lot right now to be able to provide for me and Lucia. Our marriage is the most important and more satisfying than any other dream we've ever had.

4. We will never give up.

There is a frame on our wall with the words, "Love is a daily decision." Day after day, month after month, and year after year, we must decide to love each other. We are in this for the long haul. Things get tough sometimes, but I feel safe and confident knowing that giving up on each other is not an option. 

I'm so grateful to have met and married a man as amazing as Diego Cabrera. I have no idea what the future will bring, but I know that it will be great while he is by my side. (If not physically, then at least on Skype, hahaha!)

Happy Anniversary mi vida. Te amo más de lo que puedo expresar en inglés o español!

"My wisdom is greater than the cunning of the devil"

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by life. Especially now that I am a mother; I tend to worry a lot more. I worry about how I will raise my daughter in a world that is increasingly dangerous, increasingly hostile, and increasingly wicked. Scouring Facebook Newsfeed and browsing random news articles seems to make me stress even more.

Today in particular for some reason, these feelings of inadequacy and fear kept popping into my head. I worry about how bad things are going to get in these, the "last days." I want to be strong and of good courage, but sometimes I feel more like I will spend the last days hiding under a rock, just waiting for all the pain and sadness and wickedness to pass.

Tonight as I was reading my scriptures, though, I found my answer. That's the amazing thing about reading the scriptures, they will always have the answers you need.

I was reading in 3 Nephi, chapter 21, verse 10. The Lord says to his people,

"I will show unto them that my wisdom is greater than the cunning of the devil."

Those words stuck out to me. I felt calm, and confident that God truly is in charge. He truly is greater than all the cunning and cheating and lying and persuasion of the adversary. And if we are on His side, we don't have to be afraid.

It wasn't a new thought. I remember the first time I'd felt exactly like this. I was 17 years old, and still in Young Women. But I'd skipped out on my class and gone to Relief Society with my best friend Marie. I remembered looking at some of the young mothers with their babies in the class and thinking, "Man, there is the chosen generation. They are going to have it way harder than we ever did." Then the thought struck me, "And I'm going to have to raise them!" I remember feeling panic. How would I ever be able to be a righteous mother in Zion if things were just going to get worse and worse?

Just like tonight, peace flooded over my fears as my Father in Heaven gently reminded me that He is in charge. And if He really is in charge, I only need to put my trust in Him. Things are going to get bad, well, worse than they already are. But God's wisdom is always greater than the cunning of the devil. He will always be the winner. If we trust in Him, we don't have to get overwhelmed. We can do all things with His divine help.

One Year Ago

One year ago today, I was in the hospital.

I had the most amazing experience. I remember working slowly through pain, pain that was bringing an incredible blessing into my life.

After more than 16 hours of labor, my sweet Lucia Belén decided to join us here. As she cried, all I wanted to do was comfort her and let her know that I was there for her, and I always would be.

It was love at first sight.

She had a full mess of dark hair and her daddy's face.

A year ago today, I became a mom.

It has been an exhilarating ride so far. There have been some bumps and bruises, some sick days and sad days. But mostly there has just been so much happiness. More happiness than I ever could have imagined.

Some people joke that I take way too many pictures. Ha! And those are just the ones you see on Facebook.

The truth is, I wish I could have it all recorded. Every smile, every coo, every little word, wink, and wiggle. I sure hope in heaven there is a replay button, because there are little tender moments that I want to experience again and again.

Here's to many more years filled with learning, growing, laughing, and love.

Happy Birthday my Lucia. Te amo.

This Mother's Day, Let's End the War

Sometimes people jokingly (or not so jokingly) criticize me because my baby is very attached to me. I've been told that I need to spend some time away from her to let her get used to other people. Or that I need to wean her now because she's almost a year old and she depends too much on me.

Well, I've been a mom for a little less than a year. And I can't say that I have a degree in child development or psychology or anything like that. But I've been entrusted with a job to do, and I don't want anyone else to do it for me. And while I will listen to any and all advice I get, it doesn't mean that is how I will do things. Because I'm her mom, and no one else is.

I had a lot of people tell me not to co-sleep. But it felt right to me. People told me she would never leave my bed, she would have sleeping problems, we'd kill her in our sleep. But we didn't. And she didn't. She sleeps through the night now on her own, in her own room in a crib. But only since February, when she was 8 months old. We still co-sleep at naptime and occasionally during the night, too. I love to cuddle with her and see her smile in her sleep. During the first weeks and months, it also helped me to feel her heartbeat and hear her breathing so I'd be reassured something terrible hadn't happened in another room that I couldn't hear.

I've read disparaging things about breastfeeding, and as she's gotten older, more and more people are asking me when she will stop. The more I've researched, and more importantly, after paying attention to the small nuances of our personal relationship, I don't think we'll stop for a while. It is our time to bond, our special time. It helps me to reassure her when she is in new places. It helps her to sleep at night. She may depend on me more, but that's what I'm here for, right? I purposely had this baby, and have intended from the very beginning to be her mother. I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. I have been very blessed with the opportunity to stay home and take care of her. It may not always be like that. But while it is, I will take advantage of every minute.

Being a mom has completely changed my life. I knew it would. I didn't realize, however, that by becoming a mother I would be entering a war zone. A war zone where everyone seems to know what is right and wrong for you and your child. I had no idea there were so many parenting controversies. Breastfeeding. Bottle-feeding. Naptimes, playtimes, bedtimes. How to eat. How to speak. How to sleep. Walking with shoes or without them. Eating sugar or not. What TV shows to watch or none at all?

Holy cow.

Believe me, if there is one thing I have come to appreciate being a mom in the last year, it is that is HARD WORK. It's a tough job, and it completely consumes you. So I don't know how so many moms have so much time to tell other moms how to be moms. Seriously. I'm more worried about how to do my own job, let alone worrying about how my neighbor or my sister or my cousin is doing hers.

This doesn't mean we can't learn from each other. We are here to help each other out. But we can do two really important things as moms.

1. Don't take offense if someone tells you how to do your job. Just smile, thank them for the advice, and then take it, or don't. Ultimately, it's your choice.

2. If you do give advice, keep the first important thing in mind. They may take your advice, or not. Ultimately, it's their choice.

I applaud every mother who keeps their kids alive day after day. We are all trying our best, and some days are harder than others.

Every smile, every coo, every "I love you" (even though my baby hasn't quite mastered that one yet!) All these things make all the sleepless nights and bites on your boobs and random tantrums that come out of no where...worth it.

To all you moms out there this Mother's Day, I admire and respect each of you. It has been my greatest honor to finally join your ranks.

Happy Mother's Day!

Inconvenient Love

This trip to Peru has been one of the most emotionally taxing trips I have ever made. It's probably because of the three times I've been to Peru, this is the first time without Diego, who is the entire reason I ever came to Peru in the first place. Also, being here has got me thinking a lot about the past, specifically about Diego's past, and how his life has so drastically changed since we got married.

When I pass the university where my husband studied law for two years, I feel a sudden twinge of guilt. When his friends ask me where he is and why he isn't with us, I feel like it is my fault.

Two nights ago, for the first time since Diego left, I had a difficult depression episode. I cried so hard I nearly woke Lucia up several times. I had to practice breathing exercises to keep myself calm. My depression logic went like this:

"If Diego hadn't married you, he never would have left his family, friends, and home. He would be here right now, probably graduated with his law degree and applying to some dream job of his. He definitely wouldn't be off in a foreign country's military."

Before, when these depressive thoughts came to my mind, I always had Diego there to soothe my worries. That night I thought instead,

"Well, he's not here now, and it's your fault."

Depression logic. Doesn't make sense, but these are the things I think.

I survived the night by focusing on breathing mostly. The next day I decided to talk to my father-in-law about my concerns.

My father-in-law is an amazing man, and very wise. Among other wise counsel, he told me this,

"Diego knew what he was doing when he married you. When he chose to love you, he knew he would be giving up a lot."

It took nearly the whole day to finally sink in. I guess I've always thought that love is a choice, and if it isn't the right choice, you shouldn't make it. But along with the "right" choice, in the back of my mind it also meant the most "convenient" choice. Obviously, love is very seldom convenient. You often have to change some plans here and there. But not your entire life. Right?

It finally hit me that Diego's love for me HAD changed all of his plans. All of the plans and ideas he'd had since he was a little boy. But he chose that love. And as a result he has a very different life than he had planned. But I have to remember why he did it. And the amazing life we have now. Different, but amazing nonetheless.