Close the Computer

I've learned a lot of things from my 14 month old daughter in her short lifetime. Above all she has taught me to live in the moment, using very forceful expression.

I do not own a smart phone, so most of my internet browsing happens on my small Chromebook that I can carry from room to room easily. During the day I'll open my tabs: first Facebook, then my email, and then sequentially all other websites that I deem necessary to do my internet "chores" for that day. Sometimes they are bank accounts or places I need to pay bills to. Some I leave open as a reminder of things I need to call on or look into further. A lot of times I'll open Spotify or Pandora so my daughter and I aren't in complete silence during the day.

Slowly my tabs begin to multiply. As I casually peruse Facebook, I'm led to news articles and trivia and quizzes about what type of carbonated beverage I am.

Don't get me wrong; I adore my daughter and we play and eat and do all the things most moms and their babies do. But my computer seems to always be around just in case I have a new notification or message.

Lately, Lucia has been catching on to that fact that my mommy brain is constantly multitasking. So in order to have all of my attention, she has got into the habit of closing my computer. I'll be sitting on the bed while she plays on the floor. She'll climb up and close the computer. We'll be watching a show and I'll also be periodically checking things online. She'll close the computer. Sometimes she even reinforces her action by sweetly saying "Bye bye" as she closes it.

Okay, Lucia. I get your point.

When I am with her, I should be with her one hundred percent. It isn't bad to be on the internet now and again throughout the day, and sometimes I really do have "errands" that I can do faster online. But the moment has come to stop wasting my time reading about what pop stars from the 90s are doing nowadays, or every mommy blogger's opinion about what laundry detergent is safest.

Regarding the internet, Randall L. Ridd said, "With it you can accomplish great things in a short period of time, or you can get caught up in endless loops of triviality that waste your time and degrade your potential. With the click of a button, you can access whatever your heart desires. That’s the key—what does your heart desire? What do you gravitate toward? Where will your desires lead?"

My desire is to be close to my daughter. To be the best mom, best wife, and best person I can be. So from now on instead of being tempted to look at just one more interesting video from my Facebook newsfeed, I will close the computer. There is always an hour or so at the end of the night when my little one is sweetly sleeping that I can spend a little more time writing silly blogs like this one.

The Day I Almost Quit 100 Happy Days

It was June 5, day 65 of my 100 Happy Days challenge. Over half-way through, I felt pretty upset about quitting.

"But that's what you are, a quitter."

That was my depression. She has a nasty voice that sounds like mine when I'm at my meanest.

"Why did you think you could be happy for 100 days straight? Are you kidding? You're never happy."

My rational voice tried to protest by saying that I'd already proved to myself that I could do it for 64 days. But when I'm depressed, my rational voice is just a really soft mutter.

I don't even remember why I was depressed that day. Sometimes (actually, most of the time) there isn't even a valid reason. Something small might tip me off and then I'm down a dark hole faster than Alice in Wonderland.

The whole reason I had started the 100 Happy Days challenge in the first place was to help with my depression. Especially since my husband left to train with the Army for 6 months, being happy seemed like an impossible task. But structure and goals seemed to help quite a bit, so this challenge was perfect.

I'd seen some of my friends posting their challenge pictures on Facebook and wanted to give it a go. There had definitely been some sad moments in the first 64 days, but I was always able to find something to be happy about during that time, even if it was something as simple as a bowl of ice cream after finally putting my baby to bed.

Not Day 65 though. For some reason I couldn't get out of my hole long enough to find something positive about my most-likely uneventful day. I'd probably just stayed home all day, in my pajamas. Maybe I'd made goals and plans for the day and not done any of them. Maybe I just felt like a waste of space, and it was all I could do to feed my baby and keep her happy between waking up, nap time, and bedtime.

"You did nothing today, you loser. What do you have to be happy about?"

Snarky ugly depression voice. I really hate her, and she sure is loud.

Then I heard a very soft voice say, "Well, there is always tomorrow."

And suddenly, that was my happy thought for the day. Days could get really bad, but the sun always comes up the next day with new opportunities and new surprises.

Maybe I hadn't been productive or positive that day, but it didn't mean I had to stay down in the dumps forever. Tomorrow comes and we get another chance. If that doesn't make everyone happy, I don't know what will.

Today I posted my last "100 Happy Days" picture to my wall on Facebook. I'm so glad I didn't give up, and didn't pay attention to that awful mean voice in my head that kept telling me I'm a quitter. I have learned so much in the last 100 days, but most importantly that happy does not depend on your circumstances, but rather on your choices.

There have been sad days during my 100 Happy Days, but I've been able to find at least one happy thing each day, despite what may have happened. Most days I could have posted a ton of pictures of what made me happy that day.

To make sure I got my challenge done, I would start each day thinking, "I wonder what I'll post today." Then throughout the day I'd make sure to take a picture, or find a picture online to represent what happiness I'd found in the day.

So, to my obnoxious depression voice--IN YOUR FACE! I WON!

She may always be around, trying to bring me down, but now that I've been happy for 100 days, I will continue to look for the happy every single day for the rest of my life. Because once you've developed that habit, it's hard to break.

A Sappy Anniversary Post

It's been 2 whole years since Diego and I knelt across the altar of the Jordan River temple and covenanted with each other and with the Lord to love and take care of each other for the rest of eternity.

In that time, I have learned and grown so much. Being married is hard work. There are definitely ups and downs. I think being separated from Diego for the last 2 and a half months, though it's been extremely tough, has given me time to really reflect on and evaluate our marriage.

There are 4 really important things that make our marriage wonderful.

1. From the beginning, God has been involved.

I fell in love with Diego for a lot of reasons, but one of the biggest was that God was the most important person in his life. I knew that his love for his Heavenly Father would make him a better husband and a more loving father. And it has. He also says that is the biggest reason he married me. Because I always wanted to do what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. And since we've been married, we make sure to include Him always in the decisions we make as a couple. Our life hasn't gone AT ALL how we thought it would, but we trust that because we've constantly included the Lord in our planning, everything will work out all right.

2. We say sorry a lot (and mean it!)

That's right, the last 2 years haven't been one continuous honeymoon of marital bliss. We've had our fair share of fights and miscommunications. At the end of the day, though, we always say I'm sorry. It's always both of us that have to apologize, because it takes two people to fight, which means two people have to say they are sorry. We recognize that we are two imperfect people, trying to make a perfect marriage. Our marriage is so important to both of us, that we are willing to overlook our pride and egos to make it work. We are both pretty hot-headed at times, but it only takes one of us to cool down so that the other follows suit.

3. Our priorities are each other.

Sometimes I feel like my life is not going anywhere. I'm a college graduate who isn't doing anything with her degree. I'm sure Diego has felt like that a lot during the last 2 years as well. He was studying law in a great university, only to come here and have all those dreams flushed down the toilet. Our lives have changed dramatically since we met. But that's because our priorities are now each other. Diego probably won't end up working as a corporate lawyer and I probably won't end up getting a Master's degree, but we are happy because we have each other, and now Lucia. We make sacrifices to be together. Diego is sacrificing a lot right now to be able to provide for me and Lucia. Our marriage is the most important and more satisfying than any other dream we've ever had.

4. We will never give up.

There is a frame on our wall with the words, "Love is a daily decision." Day after day, month after month, and year after year, we must decide to love each other. We are in this for the long haul. Things get tough sometimes, but I feel safe and confident knowing that giving up on each other is not an option. 

I'm so grateful to have met and married a man as amazing as Diego Cabrera. I have no idea what the future will bring, but I know that it will be great while he is by my side. (If not physically, then at least on Skype, hahaha!)

Happy Anniversary mi vida. Te amo más de lo que puedo expresar en inglés o español!

Hannah's Beat Depression Boot Camp: Midterm Evaluation

Original Post: Hannah's Beat Depression Boot Camp

Diego has now been gone longer than he has left in Basic Training! Yay! Only 34 more days until I get to hug him!

To celebrate this fact, and to put off doing other more important things that I should probably be doing, I'm going to do a mid-term evaluation of my Beat Depression Boot Camp goals.

1. Read my scriptures and pray sincerely every day.
        This has helped so much while Diego has been gone! I have immensely blessed every day, and I know that Heavenly Father really gives help and strength to those who ask for it.

2. Finish the Book of Mormon in Portuguese (I have less that half way to go!)
       I'm in 3 Nephi. I still have a while, but I'll probably need to step up my daily reading.

3. Read to Lucia every day
      I haven't been super good at this one. Although, we do normally watch videos of Diego reading to Lucia (which I totally count!) and we spend a lot of time learning silly children's songs.

4. Keep my surroundings clean and orderly
     I've been doing pretty good at this one. It helps when I have people over, which forces me to clean up!

5. Exercise Monday through Friday (Zumba maybe??)
      Oh yeah....um...I was doing good there for a while, and the last couple of days I haven't been. I need to pick it up so I don't look like such a wimp next to my ripped Army soldier. :)

6. Learn how to cook something new every week
        I've been doing this goal every week (except the first when my parents were in Texas and I had no one to cook for.)

• Weeek 1: One Pot Mexican Skillet Pasta

• Week 2: Texan Ranch Chicken Casserole
• Week 3: Tuscan Chicken

• Week 4: Italian Pasta Salad

I don't know why I didn't take a picture of week 2, but it turned out really good!

So, I think I'm doing pretty well on my goals. And I think that they have definitely helped me with my depression. Out of the 39 days that Diego has been gone, I've been depressed maybe 2. And not for very long, either. On the contrary, I have been very happy. I am loving life.

I have come to appreciate my husband so much more. I miss him, but I think that this has been one of the best things for our marriage because I remember how much I need him in my life. Also, his last bit of advice about making goals has been a huge help.

So bring on the next 34 days! I'm ready for them!

Hannah's Beat Depression Boot Camp

Yesterday as I was driving Diego to the recruiters office, I asked him if he had any last words of advice for me. He told me that I should make little goals each day to help me with my depression and coping with being without my husband, who has been my safe place these last few months that my depression has gotten real bad again.

So I thought it would be a good idea to write my goals out on my blog, that way I will have more accountability.

Here are my "Hannah's Beat Depression Boot Camp" goals:

1. Read my scriptures and pray sincerely every day.
2. Finish the Book of Mormon in Portuguese (I have less that half way to go!)
3. Read to Lucia every day
4. Keep my surroundings clean and orderly
5. Exercise Monday through Friday (Zumba maybe??)
6. Learn how to cook something new every week

I think getting out of my pajamas every day should also be a goal, but I'll just keep that an unofficial one.