Anahi's Birth Story

So, I guess it's about time that I sat down and wrote about Anahi's birth. I've been thinking about doing it a lot over the last three weeks, but every time I go to write it I would get discouraged. I think it has something to do with the fact that I had such a perfect birth, and such a miserable postpartum experience. I guess I've been struggling a lot with postpartum depression and when I am depressed it is really hard to write. But Anahi deserves to have her amazing birth story told, so here it goes.

On Thursday, August 6, I went into labor. Kind of. I had been having consistent contractions all day, but I didn't want to start timing them. That day I was exactly 37 weeks pregnant and could officially give birth at Baby + Co., the birth center I had chosen. I thought it was funny that my contractions had started that day and thought that maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Around 2:30pm I finally started timing my contractions. They were about 5-10 minutes apart. They weren't super painful, but my contractions in my first birth never really were either.

Diego got home around 4pm. I'd been having contractions 5-10 minutes apart for an hour and a half and I was now having intense pain on my right side. I got into the tub to try to slow down the contractions, but the pain continued. I called the birth center and they told me to come in because it sounded like I was in active labor.

During the hour drive to the birth center, a million thoughts ran through my head. I was worried that we wouldn't make it in time and the baby would be born on the side of the freeway. The pain on my right side was so intense, but I tried to stay calm and work through it. When we arrived at the birth center the midwife checked my cervix. I was dilated to 4cm. I got in the tub to try to ease the pain.

After about an hour, my contractions had slowed considerably, but the pain in my right side was horrific.

"I don't think this is true labor," one of the midwives told me. My heart sank. If this pain wasn't labor, what was it? I started to get scared that something was seriously wrong with me. This fear only intensified the pain. I got out of the tub and they hooked me up to a machine to monitor my contractions. They were more sporadic now and not painful at all. I stayed at 4cm the entire time.

The midwife had me take an antacid for indigestion and after 4 hours at the birth center, I went home feeling stupid and upset. I tried to wait as long as I could to go in. I didn't want to drag my husband and my two year old daughter all the way to the birth center for a false alarm. But it was a false alarm.

The next day the pain on my right side returned so strong that I was in tears. I finally called the senior missionaries in our ward to give me a ride to the ER. When I got to the ER they took one look at my pregnant belly and told me that I needed to go to Labor & Delivery.

"I'm not in labor, though," I told them firmly as they all gave me incredulous looks. I explained that I wasn't having contractions, just really bad pain on my right side that I was afraid might be something wrong with my gallbladder or appendix. The sent me to Labor & Delivery anyway, and in a wheelchair, even though I insisted that I could walk just fine.

I was in Labor & Delivery for about an hour. They checked my cervix again: still at a 4. They did blood tests to check if anything was wrong with my gallbladder or appendix. The tests all came back fine. The midwife at the hospital told me that it was just round ligament pain and the only way to cure it was to have the baby.

I went home again feeling silly that I had made a big deal out of "nothing." (Even though the excruciating pain on my right side didn't really feel like nothing to me.)

Three weeks passed. Three long, frustrating, emotionally-draining weeks. I continued to have contractions almost every day. The pain on my right side did eventually fade and completely disappear. Some days I would have consistent contractions for two to three hours. I kept thinking, "It's going to be today!" But it wasn't. I didn't want to drive an hour back to the birth center for nothing. I told my husband I wouldn't go back in until my water broke.

At 1am in the morning on August 27, my due date, my water broke. It was like I'd always heard, there was a "pop" and then a gush of water. I jumped out of bed, over Lucia, my two year old, who had decided to join us in bed about 2 hours earlier. I quickly put on a heavy duty pad so that I wouldn't leak all over the place. I woke my husband up and told him that my water had broken and we should start getting our stuff together to leave.

I was having contractions, but because I'd been having them almost every day for three weeks, I hardly even noticed them. But I knew that if my water was broken, and I was dilated to at least a four, the baby was sure to come sometime that day. I was surprisingly calm as I gathered up all of the last minute things on my list and stuffed them into my birth bag. Lucia was awake. I changed her diaper and put shoes on her and told her that her little sister was on her way.

I called the birth center and got their answering service, which is who answers after hours. They put me on hold as they tried to get the midwife on call on the line. They said they couldn't get her but they had left her a message to call me back ASAP. We finished packing up everything in the car and started our hour drive to the birth center.

About 10 minutes into our drive the midwife called. She calmly asked what was up. I explained that my water had broken and we were headed to the birth center.

"Well, hold on," she said, "how are your contractions?" I told her that I'd been having contractions for three weeks and I knew that I was already dilated to at least a 4cm and that we had to drive an hour to get to the birth center. I wasn't sure how fast the baby would come, but I didn't want to take the chance of having her on the side of the road.

"Well, our records show that last time you were only at 2cm," the midwife responded. I don't know what records she was reading, but they certainly weren't mine. She asked me how far apart my contractions were.

"I don't really know, I haven't been timing them," I said. Then I felt one. "Hang on," I said, "I'm having one now." The midwife seemed to think that if I sounded so calm and could talk through a contraction that I must not really be in active labor. I was getting frustrated and tried to explain that I talked all through transition in my first labor.

She told me that there was no one at the birth center, that it wasn't open until 8am.

"Do I have to go to a hospital then?" I asked incredulously. At this point I was on the verge of tears.

She said that we should call when we were about a half hour away and she would head over.

We got to the birth center at 2:45am. When the midwife checked my cervix I was dilated to 6cm. She then believed that I was actually in labor.

It was just me, my husband, Lucia, the midwife, and the nurse at the birth center. I was hoping Lucia would go back to sleep. We put on a movie for her and asked her to lay down, but she didn't fall asleep. She wanted to be with me. I was doing fine, walking around and breathing through contractions which were coming every 3 to 5 minutes. I had messaged a couple of friends that had said they would help with Lucia at the birth center, but I figured they were still asleep.

Around 5am the contractions were getting a little more intense and I decided to get in the tub. Lucia was still awake and quietly playing games on the tablet in the corner of the room. I was worried about her being there when things started getting really intense. In between contractions I was desperately trying to find someone to come and stay with her. I was calling everyone I could think of, but it was still early and most people were still asleep.

I love the tub!!

"I think I'll just stay in here forever."

I listened to a meditation recording that my doula from my first labor had made. It helped me to stay calm and focused through the contractions, which were now coming every 2-3 minutes. I was starting to feel a lot of pressure, but I didn't want to even think about pushing.

I explained to my midwife that pushing was the worst part about my first labor. I pushed for three hours with the nurses and eventually the OB yelling at me to push harder and counting and making me hold my breath. She assured me that this time would be different but I had to get over that mental block that kept me from pushing. We decided that she would check my dilation to see how I was doing around 6:30am.

At 6:30am I was dilated to 8cm. I still hadn't gotten a hold of anyone to take care of Lucia. At this point I figured she could just stay with us, since I was obviously in transition and she was doing just fine.

About an hour later I could feel more pressure with each contraction and I threw up twice. I kept thinking how horrible pushing was and wished I could just stay in the tub and continue having contractions, which I didn't think were so bad. There was another fear, though, besides pushing. It was harder to explain. It was a fear of having another baby. I'd been having a lot of depression in the last 3 weeks and questioning whether or not I was ready to have two children. I wondered if I could love this baby as much as I loved my first. I worried about how this new baby would change our family dynamic. All of these doubts and fears made me want to push even less. I knew that the moment the baby was born, my life would change forever.

Around 8am the first midwife left and two other midwifes came on. These two I had gotten to know a lot better during my prenatal visits and I was so happy to see them. Lucia had finally fallen asleep on the bed in the room.

By this time I knew I was completely dilated and felt like pushing, but I didn't want to. I kept being reassured by the midwifes that I needed to push my baby out, that I didn't need to be afraid. They were right, it was completely different from my first hospital birth. There was no yelling, no telling me to hold my breath and count to 10. But I was still afraid.

Lucia woke up around 9am. I was afraid I would be in labor forever and worried that everyone was getting tired of waiting for this baby to come. The midwifes were patient and kind. They kept reassuring me that I could do this. Around 9:30am, one of the midwifes suggested I try to go to the bathroom to see if that would move the baby's head down further. I finally got out of the tub and hobbled to the bathroom. I thought I would have the baby on the toilet, I kept having an incredible urge to push. While I was on the toilet the midwife checked my dilation one last time. I was at 10cm. I had probably been at 10cm for about an hour.

They suggested I try bearing down on a birthing stool out of the water. I made up my mind that I just needed to get over my fear and push. I squatted on the birth stool and with the next contraction I pushed as hard as I could. It hurt so bad that I started to scream. After 8 hours of laboring in almost complete silence, I was now screaming at the top of my lungs. It was so painful but so exhilarating, like riding a roller coaster. Terrifying, but amazing. Lucia didn't think it was so amazing. My screams scared her and I could hear her on the bed saying, "Mommy?? Mommy?" One of the receptionists from the center came and took her out of the room. I was grateful that she was not alone. My husband was in front of me, coaching me to keep pushing.

On the second push I continued to scream as loud as I could and was able to push my baby out completely. I'd only pushed for about 10 minutes, which was a huge improvement to the 3 hours I'd pushed before. With the help of the midwife I brought my daughter directly up to my chest. I was ecstatic that I had done it, but I noted that the midwifes seemed a bit worried. I noticed there was a lot more blood than normal. In fact, there was blood everywhere.

"Am I hemorrhaging?" I asked, now suddenly concerned. The midwife quickly told me I wasn't, but that I had had a hematoma form while pushing. Apparently, according to my husband, he watched the blood vessel break and fill up with blood to the size of a baseball on the first push. On the second push the blood vessel ruptured and the blood went all over the place (hence all the blood).

They let the blood finish pulsing through the cord while I sat on the birth stool and then Diego was able to cut the cord. They then had me lay on the bed with my baby. She was beautiful, she looked just like Lucia, with a full head of jet black hair. As soon as I was on the bed, Anahi started to breastfeed and I tried to focus on that while the midwife drained the hematoma and stitched me up. I had hardly torn my perineum at all, but the hematoma needed to be stitched.

Because of swelling, more bleeding, and almost passing out twice, I had to be transferred to the hospital, where I stayed for two more days. But that's a postpartum story, not a birth story, and this birth story is long enough.

Besides the hematoma, I had the perfect birth that I wanted. I felt empowered the entire time, especially during pushing, which had been my biggest fear. I was absolutely elated that I had pushed my baby out despite all the pain. I was told later by my midwife that most of that pain I experienced during pushing was probably due to the hematoma forming and rupturing anyway.

So that is my perfect birth story. Just the way I wanted it. At 9:50am, Anahi Micaela Cabrera was born, while I screamed as loud as I could and blood spewed all over the place. It was beautiful and incredible and so real. And I shouldn't have had any fear about my capacity to love her, because I have adored her every second since she came into this world.

With the two loves of my life after being transferred to the hospital.

Birth Story Photography

Well, I know everyone has different opinions about showing pictures from the birth, but I for one think that birth photography is AWESOME and beautiful. Thanks to Ashlee de Baritault for the great pictures!! Here's my favorites.

My birth playlist was HEAVEN SENT!!

Pictures of my mom and grandma, helped me get through things!

Best companion ever! Diego, pushing on my feet. :)

Dream team: Diego, Hannah, and Laura

After three hours of pushing, this was all worth it!!

Diego cut the cord.

Papi holding her for the first time!

Best experience EVER!!!

Birth Story: La Llegada de Lucia Belén

So, here is the LONG version of my birth story. I'm taking advantage of some quiet time while my little angel sleeps for a minute.

My labor actually started about 2 weeks before I gave birth. On May 5 while I was at church, I started having some pretty consistent contractions. When I stood up, I felt like Lucia was going to just fall out of me. In the afternoon, the contractions tapered off and soon it was just the normal last month of pregnancy pains. That Wednesday I had an appointment with my OB. He checked for dilation and said that I was dilated to a 2, nearly 3 cm. He stripped my membranes, which is supposed to help induce labor naturally. He also said he would be surprised if I didn't have the baby that week. And I, thinking doctors would know better than to give a 9 month pregnant woman the false hope of imminent labor, was convinced that he was right.

All week I waited for that moment when the contractions would come on so strong and I would just know that it was time. But that moment never came. The next week, on May 12, Mother's Day, I started having contractions again during church. I started timing them, and they seemed very consistent. I thought, "This is it! Perfect day to have a baby!" So we went to the hospital. And the contractions stopped. The nurse checked me and said I was 4 cm dilated and 70% effaced. But they kept me for over an hour and the contractions never came back.

They sent me home, telling me to go for a walk, take a nice relaxing bath, and they'd probably see me back that night. (More false hope!!) The contractions didn't come back that night. I was pretty much convinced that my baby would never come out.

Wednesday I had another appointment with my doctor. He said, "You're still pregnant!" At that point he started talking about the possibility of induction. Although I was still about 5 days BEFORE my due date, my doctor was worried about me having preeclampsia. I was carrying a LOT of water weight, my feet were swollen like crazy, and he said he'd seen signs of protein in my urine. He said it wasn't enough to have an emergency induction or anything, but that I should consider that option.

I know that if I was induced, it would be nearly impossible for me to have my baby naturally, the way I had been planning. I had read about women who gave birth with Pitocin without any kind of pain medication, but I'd also read that it was extremely difficult. So after Diego and I left the doctor's office that day, I was determined to start my labor using every and any trick in the book.

And we did. We went to Rubio's and I tried to hottest salsas that they had. I bounced on my yoga ball for over an hour. I did birth meditation, imagining myself going into labor. I walked around my entire neighborhood, in the rain, handing out thank you cards from my baby shower. Diego was so supportive, walking around everywhere with me.

And I prayed. I prayed for contractions. I told Heavenly Father that I knew it was all in His time table, but if He didn't mind, I would like to have my baby without having to be induced.

That night, May 15, I started having contractions again. They weren't the ones that are so painful you can't talk through them though. I was watching my brother play Zelda. That seemed to keep the contractions going for some reason. (Really weird induction technique...watching old video games...) I didn't bother timing them, because they didn't hurt bad enough. I finally went to bed around 11pm, praying still that the contractions wouldn't stop, but that they would get stronger and more consistent.

I woke up at 3am, still with contractions, but still not super strong. Since I couldn't go back to sleep, I decided to take a shower and see if it would help with the pain. It did a little, and from there I decided to do some more bouncing on my yoga ball. Around 4:30 Diego woke up and asked how I was doing. By that time, I had started timing my contractions. I was having them about every 5 minutes, but they still weren't at that point where women start crying and panting and so forth. I wondered if they ever would get to that point.

Around 5am I called the hospital and asked if I should come in. I told them I had been having consistent contractions for over 2 hours. They told me to take a bath for 20 minutes and see if the contractions would go away. And if they didn't, that I should come in.

I took a bath, the whole time praying that my contractions wouldn't go away. And they didn't. So we headed to the hospital.

By the time we got checked in and settled into a room it was nearly 6am. I was still pretty convinced that my contractions were going to stop at any moment and they were going to send me home again. I hadn't even had Diego bring in our hospital bag because I didn't want to get my hopes up. But the contractions kept coming, consistent but not super painful. By 7am I text my doula and asked her to come. I was dilated to a 4 plus (whatever "plus" means, I think it was just the nurse's way of cheering me up, since I was basically the same that I was before), and about 90% effaced.

The nurse came to put an IV in me, which I declined. She insisted that I have at least an IV prep in my arm. I knew they were going to make me have one, but I was still not happy about it. It's not the needle. I don't even care, you can poke me all you want. It's just annoying having that contraption stuck in your arm all day. I asked if there was some kind of waiver I could sign, saying that I knew all the super dangerous things that could happen to me for not having an IV in, but she said there wasn't. Apparently, nobody refuses the IV.

She also brought in a bag of Pitocin. By that time, Diego had gotten the hospital bag that had our Birth Plan in it, and the nurse had already read through it. So I asked her what the Pitocin was for. She said that it was to help my uterus contract after I had the baby, so that I wouldn't hemorrhage. I said, "Uhm, no thanks. I don't want it. I know I'm not legally obligated to have it, and I don't want it. If I'm hemorrhaging after birth, we'll deal with it then." The nurse looked a bit taken aback, but she took the Pitocin away. And I felt more empowered than ever!

Laura (my doula) arrived around 8 am. The contractions kept on going, but I was still waiting for that crazy pain that I'd heard so much about. Don't get me wrong, they were painful. But I could handle them. Every contraction that came, I was able to breath through it and stay calm.

Around 11am I was dilated only to 5 cm. The doctor on call (not my OB, but another doctor), came in and broke my water to help things along. I think that's when it hit me that this was for real, not another false alarm. Because after your water is broke, there's no turning back. Contractions continued. I was able to stay calm through them all. I kept reminded myself that I had prayed for this pain, and it was what was going to bring my baby out.

Things started getting fuzzy around this time. I remember a LOT of water. I had no idea that my body was capable of holding so much water, or blood or whatever was pouring out of me. I felt like a faucet. I labored a little on the birthing ball, and some in the bathroom, but mostly on the hospital bed. I also remember throwing up a couple of times, although it wasn't too bad. I had been keeping myself hydrated with water and ice chips. I also remember that my legs kept cramping up, which seemed to hurt more than the contractions.

The contractions must have been getting stronger, but I didn't really notice. Laura said, "The only thing you have control of is your breathing." I remember thinking, "Well, that seems easy enough." So I just focused on breathing. Those hours passed by in almost an out of body experience. It was like that time when you are just about to fall asleep but you are still awake, but you start to dream. And I was dreaming about Zelda. (That's what I get for watching Peter play Zelda the night before).

I remember that I stayed at 7 cm for a LONG time. It seemed longer, I think, because they checked me 3 times, and each time I was still at 7 cm. I didn't know what time it was; I refused to look at the clock on the wall. I know that Ashlee, our birth photographer, came around 3pm, and I was still at 7 cm. I felt bad that I wasn't dilating faster. I knew that Diego and Laura were both tired and I wanted to make things go faster. I remember shouting, "Why am I not dilating?!?"

Finally, around 4pm, the nurse checked me and said those sweet sweet words, "9 and a half." I'd finally dilated to 9.5 cm, and I was 100% effaced. The nurse said that if I felt like pushing now, I could, because the last half of a centimeter would probably go away with the pushing of the baby's head.

I didn't really feel like pushing though. I tried a little, but I didn't make too much of an effort. Around 5pm I was ready to have this baby already. I remember thinking that it wouldn't be long now. I'd heard that the hardest part was transition, and that hadn't seemed that hard to me.

But the hardest part was definitely pushing. Now, all of the sudden, instead of focusing on breathing, I was supposed to hold my breath and push. And I was so tired. They put a mirror at the foot of the bed so that I would be able to see my baby come out. The doctor came in after a while and said that the baby was posterior, facing down, which is why my pushing was doing little good. And also most likely why it had taken me so long to dilate. He said he was going to turn her. That did not sound fun. And it wasn't!! It hurt like HECK! Worse than anything thus far. But then things finally started progressing.

It helped that the doctor was kind of a jerk. Because the whole time I had been pushing, Diego, Laura, and the nurses had been very kind. Every time I'd push they'd say, "Good job, you are doing great." But the truth is, I was so tired, I wasn't even trying that hard. The doctor, on the other hand, kept saying, "Push harder! You are not pushing hard enough!" And that made me mad, because I knew it was true. So I thought, "Okay, if I just push really really hard, then it will finally be over!"

The doctor insisted on an episiotomy. He said that if he didn't cut me, I would probably tear anyway, and it would take a lot longer for Lucia to come out. At that point, I just wanted my baby. So I said it was fine.

The first thing we saw was her hair. Well, that's what everyone else saw. I didn't see it, but Diego did. When he saw her, he got very emotional. That gave me the strength I needed to keep pushing, because I was at the point of giving up.

Then I saw her. But it seemed like every time I would push, she would get closer to coming out, and then I'd breathe and she would get farther away. It was very frustrating. Finally, after about 3 hours of pushing, her entire head was out. But I was sooo tired, and there was still one final push needed to get her whole body out. So I took a moment to gather up my strength, with her whole head just hanging out, and then I gave the final push.

Oh my goodness, I can't even describe the moment that Lucia arrived. The put her directly on my chest. Diego cut the cord. I remember thinking, "I can't believe that this human being just came out of me." She had the most beautiful cry (that I am listening to right now, 2 weeks later...we've heard a lot of it).

So that's pretty much the story. Recovery has been good. Lucia and I are both very healthy and we were able to leave the hospital on the Saturday afternoon after she was born.

And now I have to go help Diego get our baby to stop crying. :)

Why I love being pregnant

Okay, this might be a little difficult to put into words. But I've been thinking about it so much lately, I have to try to communicate these ideas somehow, and words seem to be the best choice. Maybe if I was more talented, I would write a song. Or paint a picture. But I think it's probably best if I just stick to words.

I love being pregnant. For the last 6 months, I have been on a crazy emotional (and physical!!) rollercoaster. To begin with, I was excited, but terrified. Then as sickness set in, I felt like all I wanted to do was die. Depression also reared its head, and I felt absolutely and utterly unprepared for the task that lie ahead.

But then...I started to change my thinking. A lot of it had to do with a class I took called, "How to Birth Like A Rockstar," which, apart from being super helpful for birth, should in my opinion also be called, "How to Be Pregnant Like a Rockstar." I started to do a lot more research on my own about pregnancy, birth, and newborns.

Yes, pregnancy comes with a lot of inconvenient physical problems. For some women, MUCH MUCH more than for others. I think I have been pretty fortunate as far as being sick and in pain during my pregnancy. But, still. I get nose bleeds. And charley horses at 2 in the morning that keep me up the rest of the night. I have gone from having absolutely no appetite, to wanting to eat anything that I can lay my hands on! I've gained more weight than I ever have in my life, and sometimes I have to just ignore the numbers on the scale.

But I am loving every minute of it. This is why: I love my daughter. I am in complete awe every second that she is inside of me. No matter how much you love someone, you can not hug them deep enough that they are completely inside of you. Only mothers get to know what that feels like. I love feeling her little feet kicking me. I adore seeing my stomach move up and down with her sporadic movements. The human body is incredible! There is a little human being forming inside of me. She has half her traits from me, and half from Diego, and yet, she will be a completely unique individual.

I am so excited to meet her, but at the same time, I am in no rush for her to leave my belly. I feel so connected to her, not just physically, but emotionally as well. I will cherish the next three months as some of the most special in my life, because it is the very closest (physically) that I will ever get to be to my Lucia.